I was 'tipped' a dollar foil chocolate today. It tasted like shit but I'm rising up the ranks and I am customer service perfection. I am owed about $1,000,000 from people who said I could not work in a real job for longer than 1 month. Bets are over, I'll be gone from that place soon enough. I'm pretty sure the peak of this gig was about a month ago, I don't think it can get any better than that. Time to quit now. Time to pursue my other career. Time to say bye and sing my kumbaya-ya's to the burbs. I'm heading back to the the hustle, bustle and general 3rd worldness of Manila - which I absolutely love and miss. A girlfriend and I are hoping to expand her familys music foundation over there. It's just a sketch at the moment - but nevertheless... I'll post more details once I have them. Oh and I really do miss the place - everyone is so relaxed and just really happy to be living life. My girlfriend is my one woman band - she plays every instrument under the sun. She admits though I can burp better. I guess it helps when her dad is a music teacher and they own a music school. I guess it also helps that everyone in my family is blessed with the glorious burping gene - seriously I know some people who can't burp - honestly, who the hell can't burp?! Random, but someone asked me why I didn't blog about my relationships - why the hell should I? I have received so many phone calls from random people who suddenly care where my 'love life' went so horribly wrong. Apparently myspace is a person - because my status told. Anyway, I'm wasting my time listening to the Dreamgirls soundtrack - there are only a few songs worth listening to. Actually only two. The Jennifer Hudson version of And I am telling you and When I first saw you by Jamie Foxx. In all honesty there are better songs on the soundtrack of Camp - and that doesn't say very much at all. Maybe I will enjoy the songs more though if I go and watch the movie. In the meantime I start work super early tomorrow, meaning I have to take a 4:30am train - it's fucking horrible. I just seriously want a regular home life - a beautiful husband and a beautiful family already haha. Oh and to make things worse I start working overnights next week - 5 days in a row I will live like a vampire. I am torturing myself for a few bucks. My mantra is only a few more months left... only a few more months left... xoxo

Lady is a vamp.

I have a really sore neck and shoulder and I swear it's RSI from stapling about 1000 pieces of paper last night. Welcome to night audit. It comes around once every 6 weeks and fucks up your life. By the time you recover it's your rotation again. At the ungodly hour of 3am you are served dinner and don't have time to scratch your ass before you get up again because the system has 'rolled' and if you don't get back to work immediately you will need to stay behind until you do. Honestly, I don't know what form of torture is worse; this, or listening to Aguilera's X'mas songs.

Apart from having to have a permanent smile on your face, you need to be able to deal with grumpy, jet lagged and drunk guests. Like a drunk guy last night who thought it would be fun to unplug a standing lamp from the lobby and take it towards the lift with him. Apparently it comes in handy when you are British otherwise you can't understand the drunken slurs of Londoners who make up the majority of drunks at 4am in the morning.

Why oh why?

Is there something about the way I look that makes greasy old business men want to torment me? The funny thing about this encounter was that one of the managers stepped in and quickly gave this old man some attitude. The business man retaliates by a sarcastic "oh, your a very nice man arn't you, yeah really you are yeah" - he did the whole shifting weight from one side to the other while he was saying it too. It was the most childish and pathetic come back I'd ever heard in my life, I seriously almost burst out laughing. I have no idea how this man could have got far enough to be in the position he was. He was an absolute ass. I swear if things like this never happened my job would be very boring.

xo

choclit...

I'd like to think that I'm not really a vain person, but the truth is any girl who says they arn't is a friggin straight up liar. So allow me to share something very special about myself.

We have had a loving relationship but lately we have been going through a rough patch. You see, he never listens to me anymore. When I say I want something done, he doesn't cooperate and does the complete opposite - making me look absolutely ridiculous. There was once a time a few years ago that we were so perfect for eachother and random people would come up to us and compliment us on how great we made eachother look.

We have been through so many transitions and in all honesty, I don't know how on earth he has survived them - I guess now the tables are turning.

He now makes me look terrible in front of others and now people have started commenting about how unhealthy our relationship looks. So after trying to cut him off from me once and for all (but not completely) - I have found a better, much healthier solution. I'm going back to being brown.

Do you think having your hair tied up all day makes it die? - because if so, I'm suing my workplace for hair damages and for the costs of all the treatments I've had in the past 3 months - not to mention the emotional stress I have been through over it.

Oh and if Lexus is to cars, Nexxus is to hair. That stuff is magical. See, we are healing at our own pace.

If I completely lost you just then, it's probably for your own good.

more hospitality tales...

Dick: I checked in earlier I'm in room blah blah, I'm platinum guest blah blah *2 minutes passes* did I mention I'm a platinum guest and yada yada yada...
Me: Whats your room number again?
Dick: I already told you three times, now I have to repeat it again.
Me: Actually it was only once but anyway, what is your room number?
Dick: *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* I told you it's blah blah.
Me: Ok, so what is it that you actually want?
Dick: I TOLD YOU ALREADY.
Me: Ok, so can you please repeat it because I don't quite understand what you want.
Dick: I said I told you.
Me: Ook, but obviously I didn't understand the first time so please can you repeat it.
Dick: *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH* I told you already.

Ok, you get it, this exchange happens about 5 more times until he finally repeats it. He just wants to check out late tomorrow. Maybe if he stopped rambling and spoke c-l-e-a-r-l-y I would have got it. Honestly, I plan on setting up a union for abused receptionists - and make a map so people can walk into the nearest wall and make themselves BLEEEEEEEEED. I would never talk down to people like that. What an asshole.

Anyway, in other news - I met this newly engaged couple today. This guy flew all the way from the UK to ask permission from his girls parents - I almost cried. haha. Honestly, I just didn't know people still did that, it is so old school and just beautiful. There is no way in hell I will marry any freak who doesn't ask my parents permission to marry me. Write that down.

Very random today but still, love you all long time.

xoxo

Checkquin

Yesterday was wanker day at work. It's like the biggest tools on earth all met together and decided to all arrive at the same time - but hey, I get it... In the past few months I have figured out there are 4 main categories of people who stay in hotels.

1) I AM A BUSINESS PERSON THEREFORE I AM IMPORTANT

The lines "don't you know who I am", "you're asking me for ID? - my picture is on your managers wall" and "charge it to my black AmEx" are things I have heard about 10,000 times since I started working here. Really though, I don't give a crap who they are and no, I don't study the wall of Idiots who frequently visit the hotel. The other month we had a whole bunch of sports dudes in the hotel and not one of them pulled the "don't you know who I am?" card. In fact, I didn't even ask them for ID because the teeny tiny sports fan who lives deep inside my loins was squealing with excitement - funny story about that actually. Ok so tennis guy James Blake walks up to one of my colleagues and asks for a new key to his room. Not knowing a thing about tennis since Anke Huber, he proceeds to ask for his ID. It's an American ID obviously so the format of the license is a bit different - the name is not up the top, the donor details are somewhere else, etc, etc... So he looks at the ID and after a moment looks up at him and says "Thank you Mr Organ...". Ok, now my colleague has a mass Indian accent so if you put that into the mix, it makes the funniest story I swear I have ever heard. One of the girls witnessing this hot mess was mortified. hahaha. I hadn't had a laugh like that in ages I swear. Anyway that went a bit off topic... so in conclusion, unless you are Bill Gates or Donald Trump I have no idea who you are and frankly, if you are not my sugadaddy I don't care. Actually, no. I could never EVER be involved with a business man - someone who goes to work in suits 9-5? Imagine what you would discuss around the dinner table. "Ooh, the Dow Jones is down... mmmmm and how about that NASDAQ...". Indeed.

2) WE ARE FROM BOCA AND WEAR FLOURO FLOWERY T-SHIRTS

You remember in The Nanny when Fran wanted to send her mum to Boca to retire? Ok, now imagine a pool of 1000 Sylvia's and Grandma Yeta's milling around the hotel. They all have permed silver hair and wear white visors, they wear flowery Hawaiian shirts and pair them with white capri pants. They usually are seen wearing sand shoes, Scholls or some form of horrid sandals. They don't go anywhere without their fanny packs and they certainly don't leave the hotel without their loud American accents. You can hear them as soon as they step off their tour bus - nb. now is the chance to take your lunch break. They fuss and flap around and their voices echo all the way to the Blue Mountains. They usally arrive back in the afternoon wearing I LOVE AUSTRALIA t-shirts and love to tell you a detailed account on what they did during the day... *snore* Nevertheless, they are always happy to be on holiday and don't talk to you like crap like those a-hole business f*cks. A few weeks ago I met a lovely lady from Hawaii, she told me that she felt like we had met in another life. I swear. She wrote a lovely letter to corporate management for me and a manager and sent me a copy. haha. She owns a tour company and she even invited me to stay with her in her guest house on Ewa Beach. I may take her up on that offer. haha.

3) WE ARE IN LOVE AT 16 AND ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED

We can't have sex at home because mummy and daddy are always there - so we booked a room for the night to pop each others cherries. They can't keep their hands off eachother and their hobby is to make out in the lobby (i'm a poet, didn't know it ha!) and about 1 foot away from my face across the counter. Yeah so basically they continue to suck face all the way to their room where they roll around in the bed that has been a love nest for 10,000 other horny couples and a plethora of STD's. Do sexually transmitted diseases come off in the wash? Gross. Hotel love is so cheap and nasty and should be left to hookers. Speaking of hookers, thats possibly a 5th category... Anyway, i'll throw a number out there and say at least 60% of teenagers leave the hotel knocked up. ha!

4) THE WHINERS/CHEAP ASSES

If they arn't any of the above, the remainder will probably fall into this category. It's everything from the crumbling pringles in the mini bar - even though they never intend to eat them; to demanding a suite when they booked the cheapest room in the hotel. Truth be told, the whiners are usually British - thats what we are known for after all. haha. The bed is not comfortable "It's not like my bed at home" - well no shit, it's not your bed at home. The room is too dark "I can't see what buttons I'm pressing on the remote control" - well news flash, no one can see anything when you have no lights on. Ooh! My favourite was " I can't see the Harbour Bridge from my room" - it's because you are on the city side... wtf? some people are just absolutely stupid, it just blows my mind. So turns out these whiners are the cheap asses - they all want to get something for free. They'll make up some half ass excuse to get away without paying, seriously you get what you pay for and it isn't the bloody Ritz Carlton. One of my favourite encounters was during the week I did night audit. This Japanese man came towards me and slammed his keys on the counter and shouts "I DON'T LIKE MY ROOM! THIS IS NOT 4 STAR IT IS 0 STAR!!!!!!"... and I stepped back and was "OOOK, relax".. anyway, about half an hour later we find out all he needs is internet access. Seriously, he was so angry his lips were quivering - looked like he was going to burst out crying. It was absolutely hilarious - a grown man in a foreign country making crazies. Can you imagine if I went to Japan and went off like that? He also had his shirt on inside out. True story.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that this was a really long and eye straining post and I apologise. The good news is though that I'm outta here in June! Wooo! It's just that no one knows this yet and I'm pretty sure no one I work with reads this blog. wheee! Also...

happy birthday ron! ♥

I owe you a cake.

xoxo